Call it the cynic in me. Last week the guy I was dating said we were moving too fast. Which I thought was ironic as hell as he's been the one making all the fast moves. Then this weekend after a brotherly peck on the lips and cheek, he's ignored my few texts and my one phone call. My intuition tells me it's over. I'm a bit upset but in the end somehow not surprised. Granted I could be wrong, but I highly doubt it. I'm thinking maybe he regrets dating me. Either way this will probably be over tomorrow. And I'm done.


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I had a thought or two in my head and now it's gone. Things are somewhat better with me, I'm far from cured though. I get overwhelmed by my environment, and try to hide it as best as I can. People still tend to amaze me, thirty years later, but the realizations I gain from it are invaluable, now if only my heart would catch up I wouldn't be eaten up with pain and anger. I've had three and a half lovely days with the kids. Hanging with them, the boyfriend and his kids. Catie loves her new friend and hunter's been having fun. Now I've got little issues with the car, thankfully nothing big but still something I have to fix today as I work tomorrow. I've not had anything to write lately in the regards to poetry. Although I may have to come up with something soon. On a happier note, I'm going to like my fourth Army ball. I've got the dress and shoes, got a few things left to get. Hopefully it's funner than the last and I should see people I know, so that will be nice. Gosh not much more to say without starting a rant. I will say that the manifestations of someone else's mind always start to anger me. And all the false care poured forth, for what reason? Leave my life forever if you please, I don't need false platitudes.


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Life can deal some surprises. Things recently have been good. I'm still suffering mentally at times, but between medication and therapy, I'll be good. Part of the reason why I'm so happy is because I'm finally dating someone worthwhile. In short he's a really tall, lol I love 'em tall, older and mature man with two kids, who's in the army and went to Iraq when I did. Also he's incredibly sweet, like trying to surprise me with dinner, he moves a bit fast in he's talking about moving in together. But aside from that, he's so very sweet.


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I find it ironic that as I sit here almost randomly clicking on one of my deviations to be my favorite dev. That I would choose one and then read it. I haven't read Tides since I wrote it. And as some of you may know all my work I write on the fly. Essentially I write what I feel and how I want to express it at that moment, and I rarely go back and polish it. So I'm reading through Tides and I'm like I may never win a prize for it, but I like it. And one of the lines stands out to me "Pain tumbles me below the waves of my heart." Lol I can't quite describe how I meant for that line to make sense. But I like it nonetheless. Now I'm just wondering how much of my stuff would be considered poetry, I would hope all, lol since that's what I consider it.


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I know that I haven't gone a long time being alone i.e. not in a relationship. And I'm enjoying being single but then again I would enjoy it more if I occasionally got asked out on a date. Often times I find myself having to ask friends mainly guy friends if they want to hang out. And most of the time I get shot down, as in they are busy or whatever. I don't have too many female friends. I go places by myself and rarely do I get hit on so to say, mostly it's by guys that I'm not attracted to. I'm simply gonna stop getting so upset. I'm gonna try not to stress over it so much. And simply accept my fate.


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